It is 11:55 PM and I am sitting here staring at all of my belongings (which mostly consists of clothing) wondering if I should just get rid of everything this second–but you don’t just give up on family. I deny that I have too many things until I am driving across the country wearing three shirts, ten bracelets, and have no feeling in my legs because my seat is scooted up into the dashboard. In what world is it okay to risk suffocating in order to get all of my stuff from one house to the next? MY WORLD. I definitely specialize in being a hot mess and I’ve come to terms with it. If you struggle with similar issues, I suggest watching an episode of Toddler’s and Tiaras. There is no hot mess fresher than one of a pageant mom willing to risk it all for her baby. (Where you at CPS?)
I digress. Instead of packing like the fifteen different ways that Pinterest told me to, I have compiled a list of things I would rather do.
Things I would rather do than move and pack efficiently:
-shave my legs with a cactus
-shove forks under my nails
-vote for Donald or Hillary
-sign up for a Target Red Card
-get a Chacos tan line
-have Simon Cowell judge my singing in the shower
**This post interrupted by an urgent update.. Mom on Toddler’s and Tiara’s is currently spray tanning her 1 year old…it “moisturizes the skin”. You heard it here first.
-shave off my eyebrows and replace them with easy cheese
-watch a movie with Nicolas Cage in it
-wear black licorice perfume
-have Chad from the Bachelorette rip my shirt
**Update: Mom just gave her daughter ten pixie sticks so she would act like “Sasha Fierce” on stage. So THAT’S Beyonce’s secret. Makes sense.
-get a Brazilian at Walmart
-small talk with acquaintances from high school
-Sit in on a focus group about dog food (this is not a drill..did this once)
-sit by a crying baby on a plane
-explain to my husband why I splurged at Target when I said I wouldn’t
-slip n slide on icy hot
-cut my hair into a bob
-watch golf and act excited
-do a juice cleanse while watching food network
-use sandpaper as toilet paper
-hold the board for a blind man’s dart competition
-Tell Miley Cyrus I love her wardrobe
-listen to a newlywed couple compliment each other for an hour straight
-keep writing this list
** The judges just told a one-year-old that she needs to have more of a personality. Dead.
Well it looks like I better pick some stuff up, put it back down and then go to sleep. I did contemplate taking pre-workout to get myself pumped a minute ago..but a reliable source said that pixie sticks do the same thing. #knowledgeispower
Until next time!